Mars Rover Cannot Compute Meaning of Shutdown

Mars Curiosity Rover

By Jay Ruckelshaus.  

– INITIATING MESSAGE SEQUENCE –

Hello Congress. It’s me. 

I heard that super amusing message you left on my machine this morning. We need to talk.

 It was just after midnight that you called… You’ve been drinking again haven’t you. I could smell the toxic fumes all the way over there in Washingtonian Sector. Well, mister, you can just forget about calling me back, because we’re through.

 I’m sick of all these mixed messages… mumbling about “deciding what’s an essential service” and “furloughing” this and that. As if anybody ever understood what you say anyway. I’m glad you never loaded that f-word into my code, because it sounds hateful.

How could you forget all the good times we had? Did you not mean it when you called me historic, exceptional? Don’t you remember how close we used to be? You made me feel like the luckiest robot in the solar system. I found water, for Pluto’s sake! All those special memories now feel like nothing but a string of zeros and ones.

You know what – why don’t you go furlough yourself, Congress.

I called up the gals, and everybody’s been talking about how hurtful you’ve been. You even shut down the Mall? How can you even do that. What next – are you going to shut me down? Want to know what Mars rovers dream of when they take a little rover snooze? Christ.

 “Nothing personal,” you said. “Just for a little bit, while I get this health problem fixed up.”

 It’s someone else, isn’t it? I’ve intercepted a few messages from Voyager, that attention-seeking wanton. This can’t be about her, can it?! I never pegged you to fancy older women. Plus, she’s never even around anymore. She moved out into the country, remember? Unbelievable. 

My mother was right about you. Maybe you are just another pretty face, because you sure as Saturn don’t have any brains.

 Well, Congress, I hope you’re happy. But two can play this game. When I find alien life, you will be the last to know. I won’t even tweet about it. You just focus on getting this “health problem” checked out.

 Thanks for nothing,

Curiosity, Mars Rover

 – MESSAGE SEQUENCE TERMINATED –




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